Four.

Sweet London Faith...
Our Mama's Namesake...
The baby of our Family who is for certain, a baby no more...

Somewhere along the way, I blinked, and the memory of crying during my ultrasound - discovering that you were a GIRL - and wondering WHAT in the world I would ever do with one of THOSE...  seems like a distant dream.  Because here we are, you and I -- somehow four years later...so alike and yet, so very different.  You have broken and remade me, and I cannot imagine our lives without the whirling and swirling pig tailed little blondie who has every single one of us wrapped around her little finger.

Four years old this month.

That's four years of learning and growing together.
Four years of Mama becoming an early bird, because your day always starts around 5:00 a.m.
Four years of me - clinging ever closer to my Savior - praying for Him to show me how to lead you well.  Four years of seeing my face mirrored in yours, my laugh echoed in your own, and our hearts stitched together - weaving ever tighter.

God is so good, sweet girl.
So gracious.  How blessed you are to have three big brothers watching over you, protecting you, and loving you each day.  What a gift you have in your Daddy -- a man who loves deep, and wild, and true -- who takes his role of "Father" so very seriously.  And who loves you with his Life...

What a gift you have been to our Family.
What a Game Changer!
You have been a sweet, perfect bookend - closing out our seasons of infancy, toddlerhood, and now preschool..

I have learned to savor theses stages.  My fourth time in now -- I know they don't last.
I have tried to savor you.
To slow and really see....
To choose YOU....and see Joy.....and find the sacred amidst all of the daily chaos that is LIFE...

You've changed me, London.
You have slowed me down.  You have broken my fear of what other's think.  And you have made me fierce in this role of mothering a young girl....who will one day very soon become a young woman....

My prayer for you is that you will harness that strength of will and fearlessness into something big and grand for God's Kingdom.  I pray you will be bold for Him and strong in your beliefs and convictions.  I pray that you will always do what is right - even if that requires making a hard decision, and I pray that you will always know that there is absolutely nothing that you could ever do to make us love you any more...and there's not a thing that you could do to make us love you any less...

I pray that you will always see the gift you have in three older brothers and that they will forever be three of your truest friends.  Let them protect you.  Let them learn how to be gentlemen with you.  It's cute.  And you're fiesty. So, it's good practice for all of you....

London, one of my greatest prayers for you -- even now -- is that you will remain pure throughout your teen years until you meet the man God has for you to one day marry.  Your entire life will be swimming upstream -- against the tide of how most of the rest of the world thinks and believes -- and that's okay.   I pray for your husband....  And  right now, I pray even more for his sweet Mama....that she loves Jesus deeply and that she will raise her boy to follow hard after Him.  To make Him Lord of his life..  And to be able to lead and love you well...

Doing what everyone else is doing is lame, Londy.  It's so overrated.....
You already like to march to the beat of your own drum -- I pray you always stay this way when it comes to things that really matter...

I love the love between you and your Daddy.
As you grow...I pray it deepens and solidifies...and I pray you commit in your heart to wait for someone as good and as kind...as gentle....and as true as he is.  Set your standards high.  Don't lower them for anyone.

I pray that you will always stay YOU.  Wild and crazy YOU...  fearless and brave.
Strong willed and sensitive.  Funny and kind....
With a love for your Savior that is SO deep...so unwavering....so faith filled and true....

These are the prayers that I breathe over you while you still curl up small in the room next to mine.
These are the dreams that I have for you - even at four - because I'll blink again and you'll be gone...

London Faith -- may you model well the character traits of your Grammy's....
May you forget your Mama's flaws....and may you see me with grace filled memories..
May you never doubt your Mama's love and her prayers for your Life and your future....

You are a gift, Dear One...
A never expected or dreamed of Chapter in this life of your Mama.

I LOVE mothering a little girl.  I love all that having a little girl entails...
And I love the hilarious combination of girlygirl/tomboy flavor that you rock....

Most days, you are running wild - barefeet, tangled hair, a beautiful dress, covered in filth, and chasing chickens... and it absolutely delights me.  These four years have been epic, sweet girl.

Thanks for letting your Mama learn.
Thank you for your sweet, wild love.
For the Joy and the Crazy you have brought to our Home.

In the words of your older brother Kaden....who voices this sentiment on a regular basis:  "It's kind of nice having a little girl around, isn't it?"  Indeed it is, Londy....

Happiest of Birthdays, Dear One....





Poured Out Love...

I'm challenging myself to read through a bunch of books this year.
Books that will grow me.  Books that will feed me.  Books that will teach me and move me closer to Christ.

Chase the Lion by Mark Batterson was my first.  This guy rocks.  His premise was that if the dreams that we have in our hearts are able to be accomplished by only ourselves - then they're not big enough.  We need to dream God sized dreams...ones where He gets a chance to show up and show off - where He HAS to get all of the glory, because there is NO way I could have accomplished that by myself.  Epic.  I loved it.  It challenged my view on the GREATNESS of God and on the size of the things He wants to accomplish THROUGH me.  How blessed are we to GET to be a part of HIStory.  He can write me in however He sees fit -- and I will give back to Him every ounce of honor and glory due His name.

Book number two is this:  The Broken Way, by Ann Voskamp.
This lady slays me.

Every time I get my hands on one of her writings, she rocks my world and my life is changed.  I was reading her blog long before her first book - One Thousand Gifts was written.  I followed the story of her Quest for Joy amidst her battle of depression and her past full of pain.  A friend from miles away gave her some tough love one day and challenged her with the idea to daily count the gifts that God lavishes on her day after day after day.   And maybe - just maybe - this could be a perspective shift.  Maybe she needed the reminders of all of the parts of her life that were good and were full and were.....gifts.  And so, One Thousand Gifts was birthed...  and for years now -- with ebbs and flows, for sure -- I have counted my joys and I have named the graces....over 6,000 and counting now.  That book changed my life.  My Journey Joy has remade me.

And now her book, The Broken Way....
Mamas and wives....invest in this book.  You don't like to read or you're too busy?  Take snippets here and there and digest her words slowly.  She has a perspective on life and on Jesus like no one I've ever read - and she speaks to my soul like no other author.

"You're guilty, but not condemned.
You're busted up, but believed in.
You're broken, but beloved." ~ page 101

How many days of motherhood -- and of wife-ing -- do you feel like a failure?  Do you wonder if this is it?  Do you feel the closing in of the constant ordering and re-ordering of your life back from chaos day in and day out....and the daily wash, rinse, and repeat of the laundry, schooling, and meals?  How many nights do you lay your weary head on your pillow and wonder if you did enough.....if you loved enough...and if you listened enough?  Were you harsh with your words?  Did your hurry cause some hurt?  Were you just too tired at the end of the day to pour out just a tiny bit more for your Love?

I didn't be enough...
I didn't say enough...
I didn't do enough, love enough, wasn't gentle enough, kind enough.....

"Whatever your'e caught in, I make you free.  Whatever you're accused of, I hand you pardon.  Whatever you're judged of, I give you release.  Whatever binds you, I have broken.  All sin and shame and guilt and lack I have made into beauty and abundance." ~ page 101
His mercies are new EVERY morning.....GREAT is His faithfulness...
"Because it's His grace and acceptance that enable you to break sin.  You never have to overcome your brokenness to claim God's love.  His love has already overcome your brokenness and claimed you." ~ page 104

So....what if we can change our weary perspective?
What if our daily to-do lists....could really be our daily to-love lists?
What if instead of having a bucket list of things that we can brag about accomplishing....we daily pour out our buckets in intentional love toward others....because the only way that we can have more of Christ is to first be poured OUT?

That's a perspective shift.

"When you fail to care for others,you don't care for yourself.  When you help others live better, it's YOUR life that gets better.  We are most fully Christlike when we are most emptying.  Live for something worth dying for.  Let love break into you and mess with you and loosen you and make you laugh and cry and give and hurt because this is the only way to really live." ~ page 95

Well, my goodness...
Isn't this Motherhood?  Isn't this Marriage?
The Ministry of the Mundane - the day in and day out little sacrifices of life lived with your loved ones?

"The best way to say you love is always time.  the best time to love is always now.  Practice brokenness and givenness and a bit of the Kingdom is here now." ~ page 107

Every to-do list.......can be a to-love list.

Stooping low and really listening.
Mopping up puppy puddles for the love of my boys.
Warm bread, fresh from the oven, because one of my boys says "that's how I know you love me."
Rubbing tired shoulders and listening to weary hearts spilled out...
Reading that same book...one more time.
Making him his lunch....without him needing to ask.
The laundry....the never ever ending laundry...

The daily lists...
Can be the daily LOVES....

"God is love. . And because God is love, He gets to define love:  'This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.'  You do something great with your life when you do all the small things with His great love." ~ Page 109

All the small things....

Well, I don't know about you....but that's MY life on the daily.
Helping him with his research paper.
Soothing her sadness over her still missed paci.
Encouraging him with his piano.
Wiping his tears from big brother teasing.
One more meal.  One more load of dishes.  One more load of laundry.
Powering down to really hear his heart once the house is finally quiet...

All the small things...
"You do something great with your life when you do all the small things with His great love.  Real love dares you to the really dangerous:  die in the diminutive.  Be broken and given in the small, the moments so small no one may applaud you at all.  Pour our your life in small moments - because it's only these moments that add up to the monumental.  The only way to live a truly remarkable life is not to get everyone to notice you, but to leave noticeable marks of His love everywhere you go.  Love is so large that it has to live in the holiness of very small moments of sacrifice." ~ Page 110

Very small moments of sacrifice.
Marriage and Motherhood.  Putting others first.  Pouring out....to be able to be filled up again.

Real love -- deep love -- is simple, and small, and great, and complicated all at once.
It's easy to hold your tongue when you want to spew your venom -- but then again, it's NOT.
It's easy to speak his love language when you know his soul deep down -- but that requires sacrifice.
It's easy to hold them close and to listen to the all at once rambling -- but you need to die to YOU.
It's easy to slow and see...to stoop and be still -- but something of your own has to stop.

And so, sometimes, the easy simple....is the largest love of all.

Real love is not the movies....and most days it's kind of boring.  
We pay the bills, we feed our babies, we do our jobs.

But it's that REAL love....that deep, accepting....always and forever no matter what unconditional love....that's the truest love of all.  The faithful and the true.  The daily dying to ourselves.  And the moment by moment pouring out.  Real love is in the really small gestures.  The daily diminutive.  

The sacred Holy...
Where we choose to be Wholey Here...
Stooping.  Really seeing.  Fully listening.  Small acts...tiny graces....over and over again...

"Love Himself would make us into love, pour us out, and make our hearts into a roof for others to absorb their beating storms." ~ Page 108

And so.....maybe....we have big dreams that only Christ could accomplish for them to really happen. Dreams where He gets glory for ALL to see - like what Pastor Batterson says.  And then, maybe we ALSO live a LOVE so large - in the moments so small that no one even sees - and that's the greatness of our Life.  Doing small things with Great Love. 
Small things like getting a puppy because THIS boy has wanted one for about six years.

Making Christ present.
God of Heaven come down....in all the Mamas....and all the faithful Daddies.  In the wives and the husbands who love deep, and real, and true.  Faithful to their families with eyes only for each other.  And in the men and the women who die daily ....

Pouring out to fill up....
And filling up to pour out.

Push to reset.


New Year. Fresh Starts.

As an old year draws to a close, and while the New Year is still in its first month of life -  I always like to look back on the twelve months previous and just remember everything.  A lot can happen in just one year.  And it's so easy to forget and just keep plowing forward into the newness of the next one.

So, I like to stop and record.
Just for me.  Just for us.  Something for us to look back on and see God's hand woven into everything.

  And really, the days are long - but the years are fleeting.
Life is really made of the moments -- the day to day seemingly insignificance...
It all adds up....and before we know it, another year is wrapped up and in the books.
So, I think it's good to slow for a bit...and to remember.

So, for the sake of posterity and for the 2016 blog book that shall once again be thin and wispy because Mama is out of the habit of writing about our days...  I shall list, in bullet form, some of the significant things that went down in 2016.  It was a good year.  It was a FULL year.  And though I do tend to see the glass as half full anyway, I think it's good to count our blessings and to name our Joys.  All of life is a gift.  Everything that we have is all on loan anyway.  The Story of our lives belongs to our Creator, and I'm just thankful for the honor to be written in however He sees fit.

So, my Loves....
Here we go.  SOME of the big doin's of 2016:

~ Well, as Kev puts it:  "Plexus has been the biggest surprise of our marriage."  Ha.  Having never sold a thing in my LIFE, I have found myself with the sweetest little home business that I absolutely love.  But, as I have told your Daddy all throughout our marriage...pretty much everything I do is because of him.  And as we all walked his journey of health together...when we found something that helped him after years of struggling to get him better, sharing about this company and these products has become an organic overflow of my thankfulness.  The taking care of people part of it is in my gift mix.  That's my jam, and it brings me deep joy.  So, it's kind of a good fit for me.  Who knew....

~ The greatest gift of this past year is Kevin finally feeling better after years of struggling to figure things out.  This will always and forever be my highlight of 2016.  And I will always and forever love your Daddy deeply because of his epic fathering and husbanding - even in the midst of daily feeling yucky.  He still showed up.  He still invested.  One of the zillion reasons why I love him so.

~ Big doin's for Kev - he turned the big 4-0.  Own it, Baby.  Just enjoy the ride.

~ BOTH Kaden and Jesse got their very FIRST deer! So special.  So fun to watch and experience.

~ Kev got two deer this year.  One with his bow and one during gun season.  We have a full freezer of amazing, organic meat now....and for this, I am deeply thankful.

~ Mama's first real hunting season...in which she is now addicted.  I hit one, and we had a glorious adventure all through the night with a tracking dog following the blood trail.  My bucket list for my 40th year is to actually put one in our freezer this next fall.  It's happening.

~ As a family, we experienced our very first Soul Fest music festival.  SO much fun.  A gift of tickets from a sweet friend.  An unexpected and unplanned family adventure.  Such a highlight.

~ The big boys had their first season of football - both summer and fall.   Completely adorbs in their big boy jerseys and shoulder pads.  So fun.

~ Piano lessons!  Kaden absolutely LOVES it and can play by ear like his Grammy.  Jesse pushes through and allows his teacher to convince him to stick it out.  I'm proud of you, sweet boy.  You are sticking with something that is hard.  You are persevering, and you are GOOD.  I love that you are not quitting, even when you want to some days.

~ Sweet London is now both potty trained AND has given up her pacifier.  Praise the good Lord above, I wondered if either of those days would EVER come.  She potty trained on her own schedule. When SHE was ready, it was instant and entire...both naps and bedtimes - DONE.  But, only when she was ready - until then, she putzed around with equal successes and fails.  And she was older than ALL of my boys when she did it.  Those who say that girls are easier, I heartily disagree.  The pacifier habit had some help when her puppy bit her favorite one in half.  Before Mama lost her courage, she snipped all of the others in half on the spot - and we never looked back.  Londy grieved it for a few days, so we made a special trip to Build a Bear like we did with all the boys.  I'm proud of you, Love.  Another season of babyhood is now shut down forever.  Bittersweet for this Mama...

~ London also got her first big girl bike with training wheels..."just like my boys."   She is fearless and wild.  She will age me early, this girl.

~ My oldest boy had his last year of life before being a teenager.  He is now sporting braces and has legs that are longer than his Daddy's.  He is quiet and funny...and has become quite a skilled hunter.  He has a tender heart for animals and the outdoors soothes him and brings him joy.  I joke that as long as he is pulling his weight, he can live with us a little longer.  So far, he was provided multiple partridge, turkey, trout, and  now a good sized deer.....so he's golden.

~ Jesse conquered his fear of shooting and his fear of a gun's kick -- and as a result of pushing through his fear, he was rewarded with a deer at the age of 9, as well.  I'm proud of that boy and his tenacity.

~ This past year Ransom learned to read, and I am always amazed at the miracle of seeing my kids finally connect the dots and make letters turn into words.  I'm humbled to be able to walk that journey with each one of them.  This sweet boy also conquered his thumb sucking habit which was a pretty big deal.  This was the first thing that I remember getting victory over in my life.  I was ADDICTED to my thumb and I could not break the habit.  I was junior high - anyway - before I was able to quit.  So Mama understands the pain.

~ Ransom also conquered his fear of riding a big two wheel bike after having taken a major digger the summer previous.  For a good, solid year there was no hill riding, so I am proud of this boy for trying again.

~ Our summers are always highlighted with fun critter finds and crazy collections of living things.  This year we rescued six or seven baby turtles that were getting crushed by cars on our road.  We brought them home and made a super cool living space for them all throughout the summer before we released them back into the wild.  In our short couple of months that we had them, they grew from the size of a dime to the size of a fifty cent piece.  So much fun for the kids to experience this.

~  A beautiful black, Cayuga female duck was gifted to us.  She is darling and has mated with our little white call duck.  We shall see what the Spring brings to us or if any babies will come of it.

~ Cliff jumping in Rangeley.  Something I've wanted to try every year.  Something no one else was remotely interested in doing.  Kaden - my wisest and most cautious child expressed an interest this summer, so big Daddy and both big boys jumped multiple times.....and I stood back and realized this is probably the awakening of my boys becoming men and conquering fears and adventures that will make this mama's prayer life stronger...

~Texas Leader's Retreat for Plexus.  Something I earned.  Something fun to experience.  A redneck country girl surrounded by glitz and glam required an entire days' hunt in the woods back home afterwards.  But, it was fun, and the student in me loves the learning.

~ A puppy and a pickup.  Two things we've talked about getting for years.  Two things that have brought a lot of joy and a whole lot of headache.  Two things we've contemplated selling on a daily basis.  Two things that are still up for debate.  But, for now they are ours.....and they MOSTLY bring us joy.

~ And me stepping down from a seven year stint of waitressing just a couple of shifts a week at Anglers closes the door on this chapter of our lives.  How I have loved this sweet little job.  The people are my family, and they have treated me well all these years.  In an effort to keep life sane and in our fight to have more meals around the family table together than NOT - this is the right decision for us in this season of life right now...

So....
Those are the highlights of 2016.
Not a whole lot of negatives to report, and for that I am deeply thankful.

Here are the lowlights of the year for this Mama...
There are FAR fewer than the highlights, thankfully.

~ I made 90 pints of jam.  My berries somehow went bad, so my boys call it "rotten jam" when they eat it.  I'm still making us eat it because of the blood, sweat, and money that went into the creation of it all. But, I'm sad and disgusted about it all.  But, we eat it anyway.  I'm THAT Mom.

~ I hardly ran a single mile last year when the year previous I ran my first Half Marathon and fell in love with everything about the sport.  This year it just didn't happen.

~ I hit a deer but didn't kill it.  A bummer on so many levels.  There's a wounded deer running wild, and it was a close shot, so my pride was bruised as well.

~ Our entire household got infested with lice.  It was epic, it was embarassing, and it was gross.  On the upside, my house got purged and was never cleaner.  There's the silver lining.  And by God's grace we got rid of it on the first go round and with natural products to boot.

~ Our three sweet call ducks got hit by a car one rainy morning.  A complete hit and run with two dying on the spot, and the other one I was certain who was braindead.  Jesse convinced us to keep him inside for a week, and in a matter of days he was up and back to normal.  I still can't believe it.  We had a little ducky funeral for the other two...lots of tears shed....but all four kids are still convinced that the love of having pets far outweighs the pain of it all.

~ I think my hardest thing for this past year was trying to get London's teeth fixed.  She freaked out in the dentist's chair, so they remain unfixed and it hurts my heart every time I look at them.  All three boys have perfect teeth - there are only two cavities between the lot of three little boys.  And here my only daughter has seven.  Apparently this can happen in a family.  Both Kev and I have solid, good teeth.  Our girl?  Not so much.  And so we withhold a ton of lollipops at church, and we pray that her second set comes in strong and solid.

So, there we have it.
Snippets of 2016 in a nutshell.
The good and beautiful FAR outweighing the bad.
And if the bad outweighed the good -- which we have had some years of that being the case, God is still good, and we still trust him.

And 2017 goals for your Mama?  I always have a bucket list brewing...
Here are just a few:
~ Read through a Bible again in a year - this time journaling prayers specifically for Kaden.
~ I want to read through at least six books that will grow me as a Mama, Wife, and Leader.
~ I want another Half Marathon under my belt.....and some day a full one.
~ I want a deer in our freezer - shot by me.
~ Debt paid OFF.
~ A Whole 30 lifestyle of eating this way more often than not.  No legalism with it, but my body feels best this way.  And Plexus plus Whole30 is kind of where the magic happens.
~ Maybe a garden plot this year?  I miss my hands in the dirt.
~ Writing more.  Blogging more.  Taking this time that I love.
~ God's will with my little Plexus business.  I love it.  It's ALL His.  He can grow it as He sees fit.
~ Homeschool success in my book is my children LOVING to learn - and character over curriculum.
~18 years of Marriage.  Good, solid years.  Always honoring Kev.  Always building into us.
~Always being a student of my children - as individuals...learning their strengths and their needs.
~ Church ministry growing.  People plugging in.  People feeling ownership.  How I LOVE that place!

Nutshell goals...
A wee little bucket list.
Here's to 2017, Dear ones!
God is good....ALL the time.  And ALL the time, God is good.

Slow.....see the sacred in the chaos.
Count the graces.  Name the Joys.